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[07 May 2009|06:44pm] |
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More work on my brain. I've got multiple skills to deal with my frequent automatic negative thoughts, and they're working out great so far. I feel so much fucking better, like there was a tooth pick removed from my brain.
Started taking fish oil and st.Johns wort too. Both good for the brain, fish oil for my joints, St. Johns to help with the remaining depression. All in all I'm doing great. All those little things finally added up to something big and I'm so greatful.
On another note, I ment to post this earlier. Me saying I wouldn't/couldn't be friends if you used again, that was 100% out of line. Nothing could ever just up and stop me being your friend. I'm an asshole for saying it and you know I'm always here for you. So yeah.
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[04 May 2009|03:41pm] |
In the past few weeks I think more and more about what you said to me during my visit. The thing about brainwaves and thoughts being broadcast. Sorry about my negative initial reaction, it felt like all of a sudden anyone could see everything about me and I paniced.
Its done me a lot of good though.I thought about it and thought about it. And it just kept making more sense. But it wasn't clicking I don't think. Then one day while I was looking through some VHS tapes at a thrift store I spot the movie 'Repo Man' with Emillio Estavez. Bright green box. I get it, watch it, and its awesome.
Emillio Estavez plays some homeless punk kid who gets fired from his shitty job at a grocery store. Long story short he ends up jacking cars as a repo man. More shit happens and then theres government agents, a trunk that annihilates people, and a great scene in the yard where the crazy guy who works there burning peoples personal belongings.
I really liked the scene in the junk yard because the guy says a lot of shit that got under my skin. He talked about a fine lattace of coincidence over everything. He said it was like you're thinking about a plate of shrimp, then out of nowhere all of a sudden someone will say the word plate, or shrimp, or plate of shrimp.
Thoughts broadcast from our vibrating brains are recieved (because as you told me before, brains send and recieve these waves) are picked up by the sub-concious and get into your thought process. Then "Plate of shrimp" is up in que. It isn't really coincidence, it's the brain picking up someone elses brain waves.
Cut to Danny lifting a dvd from food lion entitled 'American Hardcore'. He does it right infront of an assistant manager talking to our room mate Casey. It contains an interview with H.R. of Bad Brains fame. In it, H.R. goes on to tell a story about when he first met their first manager. He approached them after a show and told them he was going to be their manager. He also told them to read the wonderful book 'Think & Grow Rich'. I went out and got that too since Repo Man had been so good to me.
The books about the process of creating riches (not necessarily money, but any achievable goal) through sheer willpower and persistance. It contains many examples and stories. It also talks about ideas. Thought impulses recieved from a greater "infinite" intelligence. Insert religious deity. One could extraploate that this "Infinite" intelligence could be constructed of nothing more than thoughts broadcast and recieved from anything that thinks.
It also gives instructions on how to apply the thought process tool called auto-suggestion. With it you can have some control of the thousands of repetative thoughts you have every day. I've been trying it out and it seems to be having a positive effect. I'm in a better mood than I usualy am, I doing GREAT at work, I feel all in all I'm doing pretty fucking well for myself.
But I miss you. So call me please.
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[27 Apr 2009|04:08pm] |
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Sorry this took so long. cell 4439881104
Read the book read and grow rich
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[05 Dec 2008|06:09pm] |
Your phones not working when I call it. Boo!
Electrics paid today, so I don't have to worry about that for a little bit.
I really appreciate how nice you've been treating me lately, I forget how nice it is to be cared about.
I've been digging through stuff I packedup and put into the attic from before I left for the summer and found a bunch of Lindsys pictures, She's very attractive and its her own damn fault I like her so much.
Been making can safes lately, getting pretty good at it and hopefully I'll be able to start selling them soon.
Have to go as I'm at Petes right now. Give me a call sug, 410 510 4447
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[03 Dec 2008|05:16pm] |
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cars up and running, phones up and running enough, and I'm getting a job soon, a decent one. I miss your stupid face.
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[03 Nov 2008|05:23am] |
Yesterday-dishes
Today- buying bowls
I feel good accomplishing things, even small things, because they grow to be bigger things.
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[02 Nov 2008|03:28am] |
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I'm going to accomplish something everyday. Even if its something stupid and small, every day I'm going to accomplish something.
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[31 Oct 2008|07:19pm] |
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burns, if I end up for some reason not being able to call, just leave a comment with the time and place were meeting tommorow. Crystal said she could go pretty much any time so yeah, if I don't call just leave a comment
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[29 Oct 2008|03:12am] |
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Then you came along and you turned it upside down
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[20 Oct 2008|02:20am] |
Cut the grass saturday. Cleaned the gutters too. Patched those holes in the walls.
So my dad told me it would probably cost me $2800 before I can have a car in my name with insurence and all. Great. This sucks. I need a new job. I need A job. I'm running out of money really fast, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I told Sas he can move in when he gets back from delaware but he said that may be like a month or so away. Oh, I think my Dad is dating his mom now. Thats weird.
I saw this guy Aaron I used to work with at Sears tonight. I saw this guy Zach too, his uncle got his dome bashed in by Johnny with a cue ball in a sock (he had it coming). John had a GREAT wedding.
This isn't what 23 is supposed to be like. I don't think it's supposed to be like this anyways. I sleep all day and I'm up until morning. I've lost whatever direction I had. When I was working with Kurt I was able to force myself to go in everyday, I was doing so good! I was doing SO fucking good! Like shit was finally starting to look up for me. I don't know what happened..I fucked up I guess. I fucked up like I always do when I start to do well for myself. Now I'm stuck in being a selfish faggot, apathetic all the time, I fucking hate it. At least when I let people walk all over me (i.e. always giving the benefit of the doubt and going out of my way to make things for others) I felt SOMETHING. Now its just gone. Great.
I wish someone would just take over for a while I guess.
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[18 Oct 2008|01:59am] |
On th bus ride up, a split fifth of rum and what was was over.
Thomas is already sweating bad, we're just to lit to notice. Everyone brought something to snack on because we don't really know how far in Pasadena this thing is gonna be. I went with a pint of schnaaps. Play it smart. Get my whistle wet and blow it all when its free.
The black bus driver plays country music on the bay bridge, once he sees us getting comfterable he eases up, smoking out the rats I guess. He changes the radio to 103.1, billy boy used to work there. The drive ends up with me falling asleep and waking up, I see all these dead trees and a waterfront with a bunch of industrial shit on the horizon. I ask if this is talbot rd, talberts old place, where I first met them. "No, were in Pasadena" we pull in and park. I stumble out and demand a lighter for my cigarette.
What a situation! I walk up and before I even get my shades off I see Jeremy with this shit eating grin. Then I see all the ki alumni in their sweet ass suits and sneakers. I had missed the photo op at the farm with the boys and the guns. I could still make the skater kid shoot so it was pretty alright. I talk with John and his little brother, his little brother choked out jeremy and johnny last weekend. Weird because he's even meeker than johnny. Then again Johnnys up for aggrivated assault, but he was doing it in self defense so its ok.
Anyways, I end up walking in, check those cards. "Mr/ Sassy" Boy, I dug that for shit! They mispelled me with one S. It's ok though, the whole thing is swank as shit. Water front, awesome appetizers. Shit was pretty cash.
They made liek three attemopts for Joey C. and Teta to round everyone up outside in the seats. The first time Joey took me to see the grooms cake. Big ugly green Y3KKI on it. I lold! We went out for the ceremony. It was nice. Close enough to sunset, Nice sky, even with the baltimore industrial billowing smoke in the background.
I teared up a little maybe. All guy bullshit aside, seeing John with all the good guys I know standing next top him, Sas recording, his bride all dolled up, yeah, It was nice! I loved it. She looked so nice, and everyone looked as nice as they could, fuck yeah, Johnny worked it out great! Ha! Except for JoJo coming in in that fucking indiana jones hat all late. But it was pretty good all in all.
So then it was the reception. Jesus Christ. Open bar. I drank a couple beers and atleast 11 san francisco specials. The DJ put on some gay ass rancid and op ivy and we had this whole big circle of skanking, everyone of us drunk as shit, no one can REALLY stand properly, it's pretty crude and nasty, but it was somehow managed. I danced at a wedding with all of my friends so it was pretty tight. I drank out of the chocolate fountain.
On the bus ride home sas threw up like three times, Jeremy was fingering some bitch on the brides side, I was doing bong rips with joey and JoJo, I peed in a bottle and threww it off the bridge, shit was fuckin awesome! I screamed and cursed and everyone cheered and drank more instead of the usual reaction to my exposing myself. It was great.
Me and sas ended up back at my place. Thats when he found out he didn't record ANY of the wedding and there would be a shit ton of honest to god Mafioso after him because of it. Lulz, welcome to ki.
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| Are you drunk? |
[16 Oct 2008|03:47am] |
Tomorrow, mall, with Crystal. Picking out the most comfterable grey shirt in existence. Fucking finally. It'l be good to have it done and not up front and nagging me. Afterwards, well, it's only a matter of getting it shipped. Then, I don't know. She'll have her shirt, I wont have anymore commissions, and I guess that'll be that. You ever see the ending of way of the gun? Thats the only part I've seen. None of the rest of the movie.
My whole five year plan thing, it kinda got de-railed. It turns out I wasn't doing it for myself, I was doing it to have that nice life I always loved to think about with someone really important. But, fuck it. Now I think I'm going to do it for myself. It's pretty much the same plan but it's diffrent I guess. In the end. The last part with the nice apartment and not having to be responsible for anyone but me.
So...Yeah...I liked the old plan a lot better than the new one. It made me a whole shit load happier when I thought about it late at night trying to sleep. Now it's just pretty much a better version of now. So it goes.
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[13 Oct 2008|02:41am] |
Ugh. The room mate told me we should go makeout in her room. In front of Danny and Crystal. Ugh. What the fuck is her problem? I mean I like her and all, shes a good room mate and she actually pays the rent, but come on. I told her the same thing at the Jetty; "Excuse me, I had diarrhea all of a sudden." Except at the Jetty I walked to the outdoor toilet, took a piss, then hoped the fence over to a hotel and walked around for a good amount of time.
HOPEFULLY I'll be back at work on Tuesday. Yeah. Why the fuck is everything such a catch 22 for me? Always? I'm whining a lot, I know. But fuck it, I don't care, I get ot vent just like everyone else. It's just a shitty situation where I'm perpetually trying to get back on my feet.
I'm still weirded out about Nat getting drunk and wanting to do shrooms. She was always kind of, well, a fucking nerd. But it was ok because she was nice and always so very sweet and didn't ask anything out of anyone. Then her dog dies, diagnosed with neural fibrosis, and then her rabbit dies. Shes been dating this guy for like maybe a year now and she still can't get the guy to man up and fuck her already. So yeah, I can see giving in a little. But it just isn't what I'm used to seeing out of her and it's just strange when I think about it. I don't like it deep down I guess, but then I think how it'd probably be good for her. And shit I wanna do the same thing too so what the fuck does that say? I don't know, that wrinkled old bat retired.
Oh the places I'll go and the things that I'll do!
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[12 Oct 2008|02:19am] |
What a night. What a weekend.
So next weekend I may be going to Philly for this haunted jail thing...I don't know. Casey said we could stay at her old apartment, big and lots of room. Might be fun.
Got to talk to Nat a couple nights ago. Her rabbit died. That was really fucking sad for some reason. We ended up talking not five minutes later about how we coincidently enough both wanted to try mushrooms. This from someone who's never touched an illegal (or legal) substance before. Hell, she never even really got drunk until a couple weeks ago. I guess everyones at the end of their rope lately. It seems it's easier to just change and give in.
But whatever. As much shit as she has to go through, why not? Fuck it, it's not like it'll kill her. I told her to be smart about it atleast and look into drug interactions for the shit she takes for her NF and to look on erowids and do a lot of reading up on it. No reason to just make rash decisions uninformed.
I spent maybe half an hour dicking around with this program ripping a video off youtube and converting it to mp3. Put it on my mp3 player, went out, and it fucking bricked on me. About an hour in total, an entire walk right down the shitter. Trick or treat! Oh? A rock? Why the fuck not.
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[09 Oct 2008|04:43am] |
If I could cry over everything, I'd cry over save ferris.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay..
What a fucking song.
You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you.
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[09 Oct 2008|01:27am] |
I fuckin love pete and pete
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[02 Oct 2008|05:48am] |
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"FUCK YEAH! SOFT CELL!!!!!"
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[30 Sep 2008|09:56pm] |
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When the fuck are things gonna start looking up?
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[28 Sep 2008|02:59pm] |
Oddly enough my room mate is going to Pennsylvania tomorrow, Philadelphia I believe.
Party bus in less than an hour. Then the wedding. I hope its over with quickly as I think I kind of need to get trashed with this weekend I've had. Glad to have tomorrow off.
Hopefully I'll get some pictures out of this as I don't have any of myself.
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